The Many Facets of Samantha Lucas

Being Submissive is NOT the Equivalent to Being Brainless!

2012-01-15T13:38:00.000-05:00

I find it disturbing how many women I've run across since entering the bdsm world that seem to want to check their brains at the door. Like somehow it's required in this. Being a sub does not mean being a mindless doll to be played with at some dom's whim! It is a power exchange it should be negotiated and you should be receiving as much as you are giving!

I find myself wondering if this is how you conduct your day to day life, or it is seriously that you have somehow come to believe you cannot be submissive and stand up for or look out for yourself at the same time.

I'm enjoying my foray into D/s greatly, but if I thought for one second I'd have to
give up my brain to be submissive, I'd be out of here so fast I'd leave a smoke trail. The rules for relationships, however, behavior, negotiating your needs, keeping your self respect, and overall safety still apply here!

As a sub, I'll admit, I can be a bit of a challenge at first, because I will not submit to anyone until I know the person will not take advantage of me. That we have mutual desires and tastes. That I will be safe in my submission. After that, he can have anything and if he can't handle that fact about me, then he isn't the right fit for me and I'm not right for him. I am a woman, submissive is merely a layer of my complex makeup. When I agree to be in any kid of a relationship with a man, it will be based on who he is from the soul up, not based on the fact he knows how to throw around a few dominant catch phrases.

Dom or sub is not a blanket statement. We all have nuances. Different desires, needs. Just because you feel you are a submissive does not mean you are, nor is a dom, one size fits all. You have to do the work here to find the man that fits with you. His dominant characteristics are a part of what attracts you, but is far from all you need and if you can't see that, if you can't choose that for yourself, you will never find a satisfying experience and in truth, you could be badly damaged.

Being a sub is not the equivalent of being brainless and being a dom is not the equivalent of being god! Once you're in a D/s relationship than treat your dom however you've both agreed is appropriate, but do NOT give away your power, your dignity, your strength, your desires, your will, simply because someone wrote the word "dom" on their profile!

I am an intelligent, strong willed, independent woman. I will not ever give that away. I will not ever check my brains at the door. I'm very good at being submissive. I'm very good at being obedient. And when I choose a man to give these things too, they are doubly appreciated by him because he earned it. In my experience, a good dom doesn't mind a bit of a challenge or having to earn my initial agreement. Negotiation is not a bad thing!

Women, please, please hear this if you hear nothing else on your journey into BDSM if you are the kind of woman that attracts users and assholes in your day to day vanilla life, you are playing with fire in here! Look inside, find your strength and apply it before you ever allow a man to dominate you sexually. D/s is sexy, it's intoxicating, it can be blissful, but it is NOT going to fix anything about who you are or how you navigate your relationships. It is a dangerous place to be if you are not whole and capable of saying NO that doesn't work for me!

This is a post from the blog of Elle Dakros.

Favorite Elizabeth Gilbert Quotes

2012-01-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert  Eat, Pray, Love

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert  Eat, Pray, Love

“Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert   Eat, Pray, Love

“I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert   Eat, Pray, Love

“We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure--your perfection--is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert  Eat, Pray, Love

“Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

“Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert   Eat, Pray, Love

“Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

Sex, Self Worth and Soul Mates

2012-01-07T12:47:00.002-05:00

I believe when you meet the person who fits you, that person who you can give everything to, because they in return give you everything, that sex becomes more than the physical, that our lives become more than comfortable, that what we are capable of is more than we imagined.

I believe too often we settle for what's comfortable when we could have what's remarkable.

I believe if that thing our soul seeks wasn't so rare or was easy to find, we'd all have it, then what would it truly be worth?

I believe when we risk, when we reach, when we overcome our fears, we achieve the miraculous.

As many of you may know, I've been exploring the avenues of dominance and submission of late. D/s is not merely about the physical for me, it goes much deeper. I'm a strong woman who is perfectly capable of handling my life on my own. However, I love being submissive because when I'm with the right dom, his safety and protection allows me to reach farther, soar higher, and achieve so much more than I ever could on my own. The satisfaction I find in his dominance, feeds my soul, filling in all the breaks and cracks that life has dealt me. With him, I truly am whole and I think that's exactly how it should work.

However...

As I've been spending more time in bdsm communities, I run into more women every day who are broken by life's experiences and our society's ingrained messages of what a woman should, and should not, be and what constitutes success in life. This really seems to surface with how we as women relate to men and how we navigate our sexuality.

Don't get me wrong, I'm big on embracing your sexuality and I think men are fabulous, but too many girls and women try to find their worth through giving their bodies to men. They want a man to validate them as human beings or somehow, especially through D/s, want their dom to heal all that ails them. They think that submission is the answer to the pain in their lives and that isn't the case. If you are broken before you come to D/s, you'll be just as broken in it. The problem there is that in the vanilla world, a woman looking for a man to complete them, to heal them, to give them some sense of worth, oftentimes attracts an abuser. In the BDSM world, things are intensified, magnified, and though there are many wonderful people who practice this lifestyle, there are many sharks in the water as well and a woman who has no concept of her own self worth is truly playing with fire in this arena.

When you hunger for approval from someone outside yourself, you will not find your balance or your own imperfect perfection. We have to look inwards to find what we need and who we are, not outward... and for many women, sex isn't even enjoyable, it's simply something they agree to because they think of it as some sort of an exchange. I give you my body, you give me a moment of feeling acceptable. That is never going to work and in truth, it feeds a vicious circle. Every time you give yourself to anyone in the hopes of receiving a boost to your self worth, you are in reality feeding that self worth to an insatiable beast that will never be satisfied and in the end, leave you desolate.

I see so many women in their 30s and 40s who are out of marriages that at best, simply didn't meet their needs, and at worst have decimated their esteem. They long to find satisfying sexual relationships, but the constant message of our society that sex is "simply about the physical" leads these women to think the fact they can't find that level of satisfaction they seek means there's something broken in them. I find personally that at this time of my life, I can enjoy my sexuality because I've learned who I am, because I have learned, and continue to learn, what I want, and what I need. I stay in charge of my body and that gives me strength. When I share myself with a man, I'm doing it for my own needs, not in the hopes of gaining some sort of feeling of being wanted or appreciated from him. That makes a huge difference.

Lets face it, truth is, men and women always have, and always will, view sex differently. That's great! We should, we are very different creatures. It's far more physical for them, and though yes we are capable of enjoying the physical, we don't find that level of satisfaction we crave without some type of other connection. It doesn't mean we have to be in love, married, or find the man in question to be "the one." However we do need more than a meaningless hook-up most of the time. If you feel that way, be honest about it and don't use your body in some hopeless pursuit of self worth in the arms of a man who will never even understand that was supposed to be what he gave you. It isn't fair to him, and it isn't fair to you.

As a woman, you are created in beauty. You have so much worth simply in who you are. Your femininity is a sought after prize. We all have unique gifts. We all have unique views. The world is a harsh place, but what I know for certain, is that as a woman, when you find the ability to stand strong in who you truly are, not only do you get everything you need, but we have the ability to give the men in our lives the thing they desire most and its not sex, it's genuine acceptance for everything they are.

What we all seem to be missing is that a man and a woman are meant to balance one another, not compete. They are meant to give to each other of their essence not take. You are damaged, accept that, internalize it, be honest about it, don't go out into the world and expect someone else to fix it. You have the power, the wisdom and the ability to heal. You have the compassion and grace to see that men are hurting just as much as we are. Don't expect them to be perfect, don't expect them to be your savior, oh but do let them be your protector, your hero...

On the quest for a soul mate, be honest, be patient, and look inside because your answers are there and you won't ever meet that exact match for your soul, unless and until you've come to know, appreciate and even love, the real you in all your beauty, flaws and all.

This post was originally posted on The Life I Write.

29 Days...

2012-01-07T00:46:00.000-05:00

and counting until I leave for Florida.

I'm trying to stay focused on my day to day life though. I still have much to do before I take ten days away from everything. I'm dearly hoping to have the current book I'm working on submitted to my publisher before then, but I find myself struggling to focus!

The last year of my life was nearly 100% hard work and sacrifice as I tried to rebuild a life out of the ashes. Though I haven't met every milestone along the way, I think I'm ready to break out of plotting and planning mode and start back into living mode!

It's a little scary, especially since for the first time in my life, I'm completely on my own. No parents, husbands, kids... it's just me, making my way in the world, building a life *I* want. It's hard not having any real support or encouragement, but the real scary part comes in with having no one to catch me if I fall. I'm a strong woman though, I'll make this work one way or another. The thing I need right now more than anything though is focus!

Last year I started a weight loss and exercise program to improve my health, and I did! My blood pressure went from off the charts to normal again. My lungs and heart aren't screaming at me to sit down all the time. I lost 50 pounds and I built muscle. :)

This year, I'm switching my focus just to weight loss. I still have another 80 pounds to lose before I'll be truly happy with my body, and as I told someone once, that's not about being comfortable in my skin, it's about having the body I know I'm meant to have. It's about respecting myself. It's about being healthy and liking my physical appearance.

I have great hopes to finish this journey of weight loss this year and to have built an entirely new relationship with food, exercise and my body... I'm looking forward to it!

Last Year I went back to writing professionally after a two year break for family drama. I got 2 books contracted, which was certainly better than the previous two years, but if I want to support myself solely with my writing again, which I do, I need to get my ass in gear and write a hell of a lot more than that this year!

All in all, I have so many plans for this year, the least of which is move my entire life south to Orlando! I knew last year when my life imploded, that it wasn't going to be a bad thing, but the start of everything I'd ever dreamed or wanted coming true because it blew me out of my complacency with life. I'm a different person now... or maybe it's better to say, I'm the person I was at 17 again, only with a ton more sense! Here's to 29 days, 2012, life and everything she holds! It's going to be a good year. :)

This is a post from One Blonde's Adventures.

A Beautiful Quote from Anais Nin

2012-01-03T20:37:00.001-05:00

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” ~Anais Nin

Reflection on The Road to Florida

2011-12-30T11:01:00.000-05:00

So as I've been talking about for a year now, my life is in transition.

The Florida move.

It started as a desire to go back to the beach. I miss the beach. I miss a place that feels like home. I miss having things to do. I miss having friends. I genuinely have come to hate it here in Virginia. I don't like their politics. I don't like their religions. I don't like the police department or social services or the fact that very few people I've met over the past 12 years have any shred of common sense at all.

To sum up, I'm dying here.

So the decision to move to Florida was made, spurred on by the ruthlessness of
child protective services and their shoddy work, but when all the dust has settled, I'm scared. I'm scared about moving somewhere I don't know anyone. I'm scared about moving someplace I've never lived before and the only time I've even been to Orlando, it was to visit Disney World and I never left property. I'm scared about being able to afford all that I want down there. I'm scared about getting around. I'm scared about having this entire thing fall apart in the eleventh hour!

Then there's a man.

I like him.

I tried not to.

But I do.

I have no flippin clue how he feels about me, the man is infuriating, but it's one of those things you just have to see through or you'll always wonder, you know?

So off I go to Florida in just over five weeks, to meet this man, to scout apartments, to meet a few friends, and most of all... to sit and bask in the glow that is Disney World and let my soul heal.

There is one major downside, this man I'm going to meet, is not comfortable with my weight, and though I'm proud of how much healthier I've gotten this year, I too would like to have lost more weight than I did. Since I started working out at the gym, I'm noticing my weight start to move, but it's not going to be that different in five weeks. It puts a real damper on meeting this man I've been speaking to for much of this year, I almost don't want to go, but at the end of the day, though yes I hope this meeting goes well and there is a spark there, he is not now, nor has he ever been, my reason for the move. He's not the reason for this mini trip either.

I am losing weight, but I'll still be quite large when we meet and it saddens me to think that could ruin what might otherwise be really adventurous and wonderful. It makes me nervous, but I can't let that dictate my travel arrangements.

So the countdown is nearly run out. As of tonight it is 38 days until I hit the ground running and everything changes forever. I'm sort of on auto pilot now, there is no turning back.

Oh Holy Night

2011-12-25T14:12:00.004-05:00

Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Wishing all humanity peace, joy and the merriest of Christmases.

The rebirth of the Sims3 Blog!

2011-12-16T15:11:00.002-05:00

Currently I've only moved old sims blog posts to the new location, but get ready for new posts coming very soon! Here's a little walk down Aria lane for those who forgot, or for new viewers. ;-)

*Heavy dramatic sigh* My life sucks!

I just turned 15 and what did my mom get me for my birthday? A new step father, blech :p

Its not like dear old mom and I got along anyway, but it was just her and me before. Now she moved us in with Stuart who lives with his sister, her boyfriend, Remi, and his partner at the precinct... Remi's a detective and the only bright spot in my entire life!

Remi is a major hunk and he's so kind and I think quite possibly the only person who's spoken to me in the longest time who actually seems interested in what I have to say. If only his stupid skank ho of a girlfriend didn't live here, life would be perfect.

And don't tell me Claire isn't a skank ho, she is! Take a look...

See?

Anyway, so we moved into Stuart's teeny little house. I don't understand it, he's supposedly got this great job at some snooty company, but he lives in a shanty. :p Oh well, I moved my stuff up into the attic. No one was using it and at least I get some peace and quiet up there. Of course I spend most of my time cleaning and fixing things around the house.

I'm not doing very well in school, I can't focus on my school work and end up doing most of it during class the following day. Although I think it has much to do with the trauma I experienced the other day! I came home from school and found mom and Stuart in the kitchen... and he was NAKED!

I nearly died right on the spot! GROSS!

But its okay, I turned to my best friend...

Ice cream!

Later when Remi came home, he could see I was upset and he told me some jokes and gave me the best hug.

sigh

I could just stand there and listen to him talk all night.

Doesn't he have the sweetest smile?
Of course, this is where it turns kinda bad...

See, I thought Remi was starting to feel the same for me as I was for him, so... well I... oh here just look -

That's right, I threw myself at him! And all I got for my pain and humiliation was a lecture!

Things haven't been quite the same since then between me and Remi, but I think its my weight that has him turned off, so I've been training! Every afternoon I hit the treadmill for an hour!

I'm not very good at the stupid thing yet, but I am losing weight. :)

Anyway, that's it for now, maybe next time I write, I'll have good stuff to report about me and Remi ;-) Keep your fingers crossed! See ya!

The State of My Heart... in song

2011-12-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

Through the valley of fearTo a river so deepI've been searching for somethingTaken out of my soulSomething I'd never loseSomething somebody stoleI don't know why I go walking at nightBut now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymoreI hope it doesn't take the rest of my lifeUntil I find what it is I've been looking for ~ Billy Joel

Baby, I will wait for youIf you think I'm fine it just ain't trueI really need you in my lifeNo matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you. ~ Elliot Yamine

Darling did you know that I dream about you Waiting for the look in your eyes When we meet for the first time Darling did you know that I pray about you Praying that you will hold on And keep your loving eyes only for me Cause,I am waiting for Praying for you darling Wait for me too ~ Rebecca St. James

I'll follow any road, anywhere to get to you, I'll open up my soul, If that's what you need me to do, Now baby it's your move, All you've got to do, Is believe in love, just believe in us ~ Emerson Drive

Sometimes I see you And you don’t know I am there And I’m washed away by emotions I hold deep down inside Getting stronger with time ~ Amy Grant

When I see your face There's not a thing that I would change 'Cause you're amazing Just the way you are ~ Bruno Mars

If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you?I don’t know why you’re so far away But I know that this much is trueWe’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life withAnd I wish that you could be the one I die withAnd I pray you’re the one I build my home withI hope I love you all my life ~ Daniel Bedingfield

Everyone ends up alone Losing her The only one who's ever known Who I am Who I'm not, who I wanna be No way to know How long she will be next to me. Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lyin' on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me ~ The Fray

Can't you seeThat I'm the oneWho understands you?Been here all alongSo why can't you seeYou belong with me?Standing by youWaiting at your backdoor.All this timeHow could you not know, baby,You belong with me,You belong with me?You belong with me.Have you ever thought just maybeYou belong with me?You belong with me. ~ Taylor Swift

You don't know how you met me You don't know why, you can't turn around and say good-bye all you know is when i'm with you I make you free And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea I'm singing.... Follow me Everything is alright I'll be the one to tuck you in at night And if you want to leave I can guarantee You won't find nobody else like me ~ Uncle Kracker

If there's anything you needAll you have to do is sayYou know you satisfy everything in meWe shouldn't waste a single daySo don't stop me fallingIt's destiny callingA power I just can't denyIt's never changingCan't you hear me, I'm sayingI want you for the rest of my life ~ Rick Astley

Merry Christmas darling We're apart that's true But I can dream and in my dreams I'm Christmas-ing with you ~ The Carpenters

You gave my world A thrill I've never known And filled my eager heart With a love to call my own And I'll always love you You must know how much I do You can count on me forever And I will take good care Of you I'll always love you I'm so happy that you're mine I always love you Till the end of time ~ Taylor Dayne

You may be unsure, but I'm not, and I'm coming for you.

Let Me...

2011-12-08T13:22:00.001-05:00

I want to get lost in you.

Let me.

I want to lose myself to the arousal, the emotions, the feelings, the need.Let me.

Stop being afraid. I won't say no. I won't stop you. I want everything you want.

Let me be the one you lose yourself in.

I want to kiss the scars across your heart... Let me

An excerpt from The Erotic Heart... an erotic blog for those 18 and older. For more shoot me an email for a personal invitation.

111 Days...

2011-12-08T01:51:00.001-05:00

I had a fantastic workout today!

I think it was the first day when I felt pushed to my limits, but not like I was in over my head. I felt really good --and dead tired-- when I was done. I think one of the reasons I love working out so much is because every time I do it, I know I'm changing my body, and when I step on the scale and I'm down 4 pounds, I realize I'm really doing it, making my new life a reality. I have such a strong vision of my new life and what I want and I'm going to do everything within my power to get it! The weight is just something tangible that I see everyday that reminds me what I'm working so hard for. It's exciting.

I had the best writing day today. I went to Panera, hunkered down and wrote and wrote and wrote! I wish I could do that everyday, but the friend I went with did the math on what it would cost to eat out at Panera every day, I'd need a part time job to make sure I didn't dip into the move to Florida fund! sigh It was just such a great day. :)

I cannot believe the time is going so fast and I'm so glad I started this daily journal because it's really helping to keep me from procrastinating or sinking into a depression thinking my life is stagnant. :P

111 days... it's going to go by so fast... and I can't wait! :D

The Road to Florida... 114 Days

2011-12-05T01:04:00.001-05:00

I've made it through another week. :)

I think I mentioned about the friend who's signed on as a personal trainer to help me shed more of the pounds I'm trying to shed and also get my body toned and fit. He's committed to a 95 day plan, which we'll work 6 days a week. I lost the ability to move on the second day lol but I recovered and I even went on a hike today. I had my first meeting with an elliptical machine which went appallingly badly. I lasted a grand total of 5 minutes before my thighs started to cramp... and I regularly walk 2 miles a day much of that uphill, I thought I'd do all right, I thought I'd last about 20 minutes... OH MY GOD whoever invented that machine has a degree in extreme degrees of torture is all I'm saying.

Writing... well I'm on the very verge of finishing this book I've been working on for MONTHS. It was a slight change in sub genre from what I normally write, and it's in an area that I'm not experienced in, so there was a lot of research and fretting wanting to get it just right so that despite I don't have a lot of first hand knowledge, the story reads believable. I think I'm doing really well. This story was hard fought for and because of that this story will always be one that rests close to my heart. But I will be VERY glad to bid this story and characters good bye. lol

I'm finding myself in a weird place though as this week comes to an end, a romantic quandary if you will. It's very hard when you are terribly fond of one person, but you can't decide how he feels about you, then another man comes along and he's real clear on how he feels about you, but I have real feelings for the other man... it's not something I have to decide anything on, it's just a weird thing that's come into my world recently and has me thinking... because god knew I needed MORE to think about. lol

Tomorrow should be a mixed day, some good things happening, something that makes me really nervous happening, and I need to finish this book! But in 114 days the last page will be written and I need to be ready for that next chapter to unfold, so I don't care how scary, how confusing, how tumultuous, I keep going. Period. No matter what.

Who I am...

2011-12-03T17:28:00.001-05:00

Every once in a while I like to write out a biography of sorts. Not filled with facts of my birth or employment, where I went to school and how many siblings I have, but the inner me, a taking stock of who I am and who I've become through life's trials. I've spent much of this year putting that puzzle together and here's what I've come up with.

There are things I've always known about myself, I'm creative and artistic. I was given some good genes and stack up well to much of the American culture's idea of physical beauty and I'm tender hearted, sensitive and empathetic.

Things I've learned about myself over the years is that I'm a fighter. I don't give up, I don't lay down and die, no matter what. I'm loyal to death and honest to a fault and those things seem to make some people uncomfortable.

I was a good mother and a good wife, I did domestic well, but I'm very much over those things now and looking towards the next stage of my life which I hope to be filled with good friends, great conversations, travel, peace, sex, and adventure.

I'm intelligent, but not necessarily in a worldy sense so please don't ask me any math questions! I have an absolute craving for knowledge and am always learning. I adore history and cultural studies and learning about new places. People, and the choices they make, in general fascinate me, though they also frustrate the living hell out of me at times. I'm successful in my career. I handle money very well and I have the uncanny ability to rise from the ashes.

I'm a woman of great passion and that spills into all areas of my life. I get very frustrated when people won't believe I am who I say I am. Though I am beginning to understand how unique I am, I'm also real and an open book and honestly, though I have layers and can be rather complex at times, what you see is what you get. I don't do judgments and I'm never going to ask you to change for me. All I want from my relationships is kindness, acceptance, and to learn from you. Teach me something valuable and I'll be your friend for life. I value people greatly, but at the same time I have absolutely no patience for moronic stupidity.

I believe there is so much more to this life than what we see. I do believe there is something after this life and I do consider myself a spiritual being first and foremost. I don't like labels. I think outside the box and when it comes to relationships, I define healthy, not some self help book or television shrink. If you don't like that, I'm slowly learning to say, then kiss my ass. ;-)

I won't ever be typical or normal. I won't ever be generic. I won't ever be just like your ex. I have weak times where I doubt myself and I cry. I go absolutely insane off the deep end in moments, but they rarely last long. I think positively way too much and I get frustrated to no end with people who won't think for themselves, especially when it involves parenting a child. I'm a perfectionist with myself, but I won't ever expect it of anyone else. I get very angry with myself for screwing up, though I do it all the time. I've learned a lot about managing my stress over the years, because stress changes me into someone I don't like. I meditate frequently, pray always and try to laugh as much as possible.

At the end of the day, what I think is most important, is that I like me. Yes I wish I were perfect... but most days I get past that and just enjoy living and what comes my way. Very soon my life will start again in a new place, with new opportunities and I have moments where fear tries to steal my joy over that, but for the most part, I don't let it. None of us knows what is about to come around the corner at us, all we know for certain is that everything can change in a heartbeat, so enjoy every moment you can and remember that the destination cannot be fully appreciated without the journey, but without the destination, the journey is meaningless. ;-)

120 Days...

2011-11-29T03:11:00.001-05:00

I'm at the second anniversary of the night I very nearly died.

That night was the starting point to the new life I'm building. Although at the time I never saw the changes, tragedies, or heartache that was coming my way. The sacrifice, the pain, the tears, the courage its taken to get to this point has been worth it, but has changed me as well. I think I've lost a lot of my dreamy romantic, my realist streak is definitely wider and my rose colored glasses don't fit the way they used to. However I'm also stronger, my faith is deeper, I'm calmer, people, and their opinions, don't bother me the way they used to. I've learned a hard lesson about our country's judicial system, I'm still dealing with the after effects of betrayal in moments, but all in all, I'm on the eve of this life I've dreamed of as long as I can remember. A dream I put away after I got married as the reality of life first began to slap me good and hard. But it's a dream that's coming true.

With everything in life there are choices and there is a cost.

I've made my choices, I've paid a cost, now it's a matter of staying the course, something I'm very serious about doing.

I believe life is a beautiful thing. I also believe when you stop fighting it, it becomes incredibly sweet.

121 Days...

2011-11-28T01:54:00.001-05:00

I have a lunch date tomorrow with a friend who's jumped on board for this end part to put the finishing touches on my big plan which includes getting an ex seal to sign on as my personal trainer! Although, he promised I'd hate him by the end of week one, so I'm slightly frightened. He also, however, promised to take into consideration that I am NOT a navy seal and I am still quite overweight, even if my cardio fitness has greatly improved this year. If y'all never hear from me again... he's clearly killed me! :)

I spent the entire day collecting the things I need to complete this last stage hard and strong. I've heard time and again that luck is preparation meeting opportunity, I've been preparing all year for this, I think my opportunity is here and this next phase is really about letting them combine.

I have all my books for the next 121 days lined up also. If you are fans of my work, I think you are going to be very happy with the offerings that will available to you soon. There are stories of seduction and soul mates and and sweetness, but also darker stories coming from my alter ego Elle Dakros. A new series involving men who have a dark history, an innate need to protect and avenge and a secret society that bonds and draws them all together. There will also be more offerings in The Legend of Chibelle series for those of you who've asked me about that.

All in all, the next 121 days are going to change my life and I can't wait to see where I end up!

122 days!

2011-11-27T02:07:00.001-05:00

Find out more at The Life I Write. ;-)

Black Friday

2011-11-25T00:25:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends!

2011-11-24T17:32:00.001-05:00

This is truly a special holiday steeped in tradition and history. Don't forget those of that first thanksgiving, nor their adventurous spirit. Today I am thankful for so many things, but also for those brave souls, native american and pilgrim alike who faced so many dangers and hardships to build relationships, a new life and a new country. ♥ May your day be blessed with joy and love and I pray you all have many, many blessings. ~ Samantha

Change Your Life?

2011-11-22T14:50:00.001-05:00

If a wizard appeared before you and said, in 20 weeks you can have an entirely different life, the life of your dreams... BUT you have to give up all the things you think are important now, all of your social activities and most of your leisure time and you will have to do exactly as I say without question and work harder than you ever have before in your life... would you do it? Would you give up as soon as you realized just how hard it would be? What would your life look like at the end of the 20 weeks?

More on this later at The Life I Write

The Final Push

2011-11-21T12:15:00.001-05:00

I'm going into hyper focus, lets get serious, move your damn ass NOW mode. Regardless of what happens or doesn't with my so called love life, my future is in Florida! I know this to the depths of my soul. Honestly, I got a little scared there for a bit, after all, changing your entire life is no small undertaking and as all my hard work started to pay off, I started to feel a bit of panic. I mean no one I've ever known has up and packed up their entire life and moved it to somewhere they knew no one and put themselves in a position to completely start over, but I'm doing it.

Of course I see this really as more of a course correction. I'm getting back to a place I probably should have been all along, but hell, so long as I'm breathing, it's not too late!I backed off over the past two months and attempted to self sabotage and I'm disappointed, frustrated and angry with myself.

That's okay.

Despite my perfectionistic bar I set for myself, I do realize that I am human and will not be perfect... (okay I don't really, but I keep telling myself that anyway because my friends tell me I should ;-),seriously though, my attitude still sort of sucks right now, but my head is back in the game. I'm going to Florida early next year come hell or high water, I don't care if I have to get three jobs waiting tables to do it, I'll be in Florida no later than June of next year. There is no plan B. Period.

So here we go...

and if you get my photo reference above, I'll give you 500 bonus points!

2011-11-16T13:38:00.001-05:00

I've added my website to many who are standing up against censorship of the internet today. Click the link to find out more and what you can do to stop it.

American Internet Censorship is Real and Happening -- Stop it!

americancensorship.org

A bill that is very likely to pass will let government and corporations censor the internet, take down sites at the behest of corporations. My favorite sites and friends have to step up now to help stop it, or it passes:http://americancensorship.org/

Monday Master Class - Callings, Passions & Grand Purposes...

2011-11-14T23:07:00.001-05:00

Namaste ~ The spirit in me respects the spirit in you.

I believe we are spiritual beings. I believe C.S. Lewis when he said, "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." I believe that our only real true purpose in this life, contrary to popular belief, is not toDO anything, but to BECOME something.

I think those of us who believe in a higher power also tend to believe in a calling or grand purpose in your life, but I think quite frankly the vision of that is slightly skewed and I'd like to see if I can straighten it a bit here.

Every event, every relationship, every moment of every day has the power to shape us, strengthen us, grow us. I believe that when we were created, there was a map hidden somewhere in our psyche, our DNA, somewhere and that on a subconscious level we are ultimately following that map. Now you may be thinking, I would never have chosen this marriage had I know I would be abused in it, or you're thinking I would never had taken this job if I had known how it would affect my ability to spend time with my kids... or whatever your current life struggle is. However, I believe rarely there is ever only one choice to learn the lessons we need to learn. I believe with spiritual maturity we begin to recognize the lessons when we see them and can make better choices for ourselves, but until that time we make the best choices we know how to make and whether the end result was pleasant or painful, their outcome and effect on who you are will be the exact lesson you needed to learn.

I'm one of those people hard wired to always take the hard path because I want to learn it all and I like the feel of the burn after a good workout. That's not necessarily a better path and indeed for some it would be the wrong path. Think of a miniature golf course, there are 2 sometimes 3 or more courses, usually ranging in skill level, but they all end at the same place. All the people playing the course are learning something, experiencingsomething, but let say you chose course 1, a harder course, while going through that course, you wound up in the water, stuck under the windmill and off into the grass at least a dozen times! By the end you probably have a worse score then you would have had on an easier course, but I bet you learned things on course 1 you couldn't have elsewhere so that the next time you play, you play better.

Now lets say next time, you just want to have some fun and not work quite so hard, so you choose a beginner's course. You probably aren't as frustrated by the end of the game, you probably laughed more, and you still picked up some skill by simply engaging.

I just don't buy into there being wrong choices. It all leads back to the same place and we're all here to teach one another and learn from one another. I absolutely love the story of the blind men and the elephant. If you are looking for a purpose in this life, a passion, a grand calling... you've already found it. It's inside you, it's to simply become all you were meant to be. Love the people in your life, teach them, learn from them, and grow into that which you were created to be.

Nursing, teaching, sailing, painting, isn't your calling.
Being the next Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, Oprah Winfrey, isn't your calling.

If you are passionate about these things, then by all means follow that path. I'm a huge fan of passion! Passion is your bread crumbs and nursing, being Mother Teresa, writing or whatever you find yourself passionate about is here to teach you. By all means you should partake in that! I'm simply saying, don't make you life be about that passion, that calling. Be open to the passion shifting, the call changing, because at the end, what is important is not what you did, but what you learned and who you became as a result of that.

I know we all have a god voice, an intuition, a gut instinct, whatever you want to call it, but it's that thing inside that directs you, warns you, and shows you what is good. If you can learn to recognize and listen to that voice, it will ALWAYS guide you straight. However there are other voices running through your mind, the tapes of your parents, perhaps a spouse, some may call it satan, or even your own self defeating spirit and these voices can mimic that one true voice impeccably. When we fail to recognize where the message in our head is coming from, this is when it gets dangerous, this is when we screw up, but remember even if we don't make the perfect choice we still have the blessed ability to learn. Recognizing truth is a slow process, but it is completely doable and when you start to hear it, recognize it and act on it... it will absolutely change the trajectory of your life.

One Wishes You Well, The Other Wishes You Dead

2011-11-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

I read something earlier this week that has stuck with me. I'm reading Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss. She wrote, "The power of love is perfect, creative, self organizing, healthy, self healing and abundant. The power of fear is insane, destructive, violent, disease producing, and lacking. It expresses itself as an impostor self, perverting your true nature and making you behave in a way that is opposite of who you truly are. It is spiritually immature to underestimate the power of either of these two forces. Both of them are active, and both of them have their eyes on you. One wishes you well, and the other wishes you dead."

I found this statement to be life changing. I'm seeing everything around me through a new set of lenses. I've prayed and meditated on this statement quite a lot this week, and this blog post will be my attempt to convey what I personally learned.

I've been struggling, as most of you know, quite a bit the last two months. Keeping my focus and my motivation high has proved impossible and I've been falling back, which doesn't set well with me. I went out there for my mile walk today, determined to get my ass back on track once and for all, but feeling in my soul I wasn't there, and this walk wasn't making a damn bit of difference. So I attempted to give myself the "This is the first day of the rest of your life" speech, but even that wasn't working. My bullshit detector was going off like crazy and finally I just said, "Fine then god, what's the truth?"

That's when the epiphany crystallized, every decision I make is either motivated by love or fear, the what isn't important. I could be out there walking my ass off day and night, but if I'm out there solely based on the fear of dying young, cancer, being undesirable, failure... then the walk makes no difference because I'm giving my power to fear and that is weakening my entire life.

I say all the time that I believe life is 90% mindset, so this gives me new hooks to hang things on. If I go out there for my walk, out of love, for myself, for my creator, for my kids, for my body... then if I walk a mile or .2 of a mile, the choice was right and the power in my life is flowing in that perfect place. I tried that tonight when I went out for my second walk, and though I didn't make the whole mile, I made it .7 and I feel empowered, not bedraggled.

I believe the power you unleash in your life by choosing love over fear is as close to magic as you can get. Think of all the choices you make every day, the ones that drain you and the ones that give you strength... I'm betting if you looked deep enough to the why of your choice, that would also show you the why of the result. Because we all do things we don't want to, and we get angry, or feel forced, or begrudge that we've been pushed into doing what we didn't want, but if we can catch the choice at its roots, if we can choose from love, then it doesn't matter what we're doing, we'll feel empowered. We'll be at peace.

If you agree to bake the cookies for the bake sale because people will be angry with you if you don't, that's fear motivated, doesn't matter how grand your cookies are or how much everyone loves them, you won't feel good about any of it. You'll feel like you lost a piece of yourself, and you did. You gave fear a bit of an edge in your soul.

Same bake sale, same cookies, but you made the decision as a display of love for your child... you then had a sense of joy the entire time you baked, and whether anyone even bought a single one didn't matter, you were dwelling in love and that is always going to feel good.

Fear drains. Love energizes.

When you choose out of fear, anger, resentment, or any sense of I have no choice... you are choosing against love, defeating yourself and empowering the power fear has in your life.

This is also why it is so terribly harmful to judge. Harmful to you, and harmful to the other person who may not be strong enough in their decision to choose from love, and your disapproval knocks them back into fear. You have absolutely no way of knowing what place the person made their decision from. I can be doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons, but you'd say Good job! However, I do something like write erotic romances, which many people like to call porn, but I'll save that argument for a different day, but I find it funny that the people who have had the hardest time with the WHAT part of my writing, have never even bothered to ask the WHY.

It does not matter what you are doing, it matters why.

Even the holy scriptures tell us everything is permissible, just not everything is good, the distinguishing factor is the why. This is the overlying message of the entire new testament and I think the point most everyone misses. I'm so thankful to see it now so as I walk forward in life, I can begin training myself to notice where I'm making the choice from.

We all know what it feels like to make a choice from love, or a choice from fear. Language that anyway you need to, but connecting to that deeper part of yourself and staying honest to it, will be the biggest determining factor to your success or failure at anything you do, from parenting, to weight loss, to your relationships to your career. I know you can have a fabulously happy and successful life, but you have to dwell in love and the best way I know to get there, is by feeding it and starving out fear every chance you get.

So this week as things around here settle down some and I go back to writing full time again, I'm going to be intentional about my choices, and paying attention from where the answers come. A big one for me is coming up this week, I need to go to the dentist, and they scare the hell out of me. As I just wrote though, I can't make my choices from fear, so I'm walking through that fear and I'm calling the dentist Monday.

I'm making a pledge right now, one that I'd love you to make with me, never again will I allow fear to rule my life. I will live from this moment on open to seeing it and choosing against it. I will choose love. Love for myself. Because when you truly show love and kindness to yourself, I believe you start to change the world.

Gratitude

2011-11-12T02:36:00.001-05:00

Life can get so complicated. We have so many responsibilities and even more demands on our time than we know what to do with. I simply cannot believe we are only 2 weeks away from Thanksgiving! Now, granted, this year has been spectacularly hard, with many twists, turns and heartaches all adding to that feeling of time flying by, and now I'm 20 short weeks away from my first trip down to Florida with so much to accomplish still between now and then. My point is though, that if we aren't careful, we get so busy trying to get through hard times or to good times, that we forget the small things in life every day to be thankful for.

I've kept one of those gratitude journals for close to fifteen years now. I don't usually write in it every day, but I do work hard to constantly remember how very blessed I am, in large part because living a life of worth, of joy, of true satisfaction, is mostly mental. Remember why you're fortunate, remember the health of your children, the love of your partner, the 5 pounds you took off last week, the great chapter you wrote, the lunch you had with your sister, the puppy who enthusiastically showed you how wonderful you are. Take joy in everything and keep yourself mentally strong. Life is beautiful, but it's all about your perspective.

Sexy Pic of the Day

2011-11-11T16:18:00.001-05:00

For My Babies

2011-11-08T13:10:00.001-05:00

Six years ago or so, I really don't want to do the math, I had a series of miscarriages. 2 in particular were back to back, I lost a baby, a month later I was pregnant again and I lost her too. Miscarriages are a very difficult thing and in part what makes it so hard is that no one really understands because to the rest of the world, those babies weren't real. I never got to the point in the pregnancy where I had a big belly and had been decorating nurseries, I was just at the end of the first trimester with each, but as I'm very sensitive to my body, I knew almost from the moment of conception, I was aware of their presence. These babies werevery real to me and losing them, devastated me.

The loss with a miscarriage is a lot the loss of dreams, but that loss is compounded with the guilt and at times self loathing that comes from believing that the only thing that life needed was your protection and you failed it horribly! I personally struggled with that for a very long time. To have your children die and fall from your body, is not something you get over real quick, if ever to be entirely honest. I still have moments where I don't understand what I did wrong. Where I grieve and guilt swarms my heart. Yes I know all the medical facts of miscarriage, so please don't try and tell me I did nothing wrong, it doesn't matter and it doesn't help. I still feel what I feel. However, I've been thinking about those particular babies recently, Lucas and Grace were the names chosen for those little lives and though I never got a chance to count how many fingers and toes each had, and I never knew what color their eyes or hair were, I never saw them or heard their hearts beat, they were very alive to me and to a degree they still live with me to this day.

Through all this I had no one really to cling to, no one to help me through the pain, no one who really even cared. My husband was dealing with his own issues, my sister and I weren't speaking, my mother was mostly concerned with how this was going to affect her life in someway... it was a really dark time in my life and through my pain, I hurt the two wonderful children I already had, because I was not able to be there for them for nearly a full year and those scars still exist on each of us today.

Though both my children couldn't have lived, because had I not lost the first one, I never would have become pregnant with the second, that was just physically impossible --my second baby only existed because my first had died-- I grieve the loss of two souls, but I also feel the presence of those souls here with me like soft whispers and most recently I've been seeing how their purpose in this life was never to live in this world at all. Their purpose was to push me down a life path I never would have found if not for them.

Had either of my babies survived, they would have been somewhere around five years old today and I would still be married, unhappily so, living in poverty and trying to make the perfect little family... banging my head against the wall each and every day trying to force something broken to be whole when I never could in the first place.

Being a wife, mom, and homemaker, were all I really ever wanted to do from the time I was a child. I still feel as though I was created for that task and should have excelled at it. So many dreams of my marriage and our family never became more than that, dreams and though I will never say I'm glad my babies died, I have come to a place of peace realizing that they were never intended to live any longer than they did.

Their purpose was not to do great things personally in this life. Lucas was not to become a neurosurgeon saving countless lives. Grace was not to become a classically trained musician touching the souls of millions as she sang or played an instrument in one of the premier orchestras of the world. Theirs was to touch only the lives of those of us who knew them, if only briefly.

So much of my life since that point has been spurred on by them. I only pursued getting published because focusing on that eased some of my pain. I left my husband after those miscarriages and though I won't say I've built a successful life on my own-- yet-- I will and that would not have happened if they had lived. Inever would have left my husband if I'd had young children. Those babies giving up their lives and what they could have done in this world, to change my life trajectory, only makes them more precious to me. Without them I would not be here now. I would not be headed to Florida, and though I still can't quite explain it, I know Florida is destiny for me. Something important is there, something I'll do or find or become... but it's essential to my life's journey to get there. It took those little lives to set me back on course from the detour I took twenty years before settling into a marriage and a life that wasn't the right fit for me.

Florida isn't just about me, or about living a life of comfort and beauty. It isn't just about fixing things for my living children, it isn't about the hope of finding my soul mate, or becoming a hugely successful author, its about allowing Lucas and Grace to fulfill their destiny. They gave up their lives to wake me up and though its been a slow awakening, I'm getting there. Everything coming together as it is now is like my life coming full circle back to seventeen when I made the first of many HUGE mistakes and took my life off line. That cannot be a coincidence. The opportunity to do things differently, to take your second chance and grab for the brass ring, that's a gift and I'm humbled to the core of my being over being given that gift.

Though my babies can't be with me now, I can't give them baths and read them stories. I can't teach them their alphabet or instill in them a deep passion for god, they still live with me each and every day and the essence of who they are, and what they came to do, breathes life into the fire that kindles my passion for living my dreams. They have given me great gifts. They continue to give me great gifts. I would not be the woman I am today without those souls having crossed my path and Florida...

Florida will be the greatest honor I can give those lives. When I think of achieving the dreams and goals I have set, I can feel them smile, I can sense their joy and how pleased they are with the choices they made. I am so grateful to those little lives and the never ending gifts they have given me. I've been in a place of weakness for a long time now. I took a beating the last few years that left me lifeless on the floor, but I'm coming back from the ashes. I'm stronger. I'm more determined. For myself, my god, my Alec and Finneus, and for my Lucas and Grace... I will see this through. I will find my strength again and get back on track. Iwill see Florida come the spring.

Thank you Lucas. Thank you Grace. Your gift will not be lost. I will love you always. ~ Your mom here on Earth.

This is a post from The Life I Write...

The Erotic Heart...

2011-11-05T18:25:00.002-04:00

I've started a blog to share the deeply erotic side of my soul in poems, short stories, and open letters. It is very explicit and currently by invitation only to read, so if you're interested, shoot me an email and I'll extend an invitation. ;-)

The Eternal People Pleaser Looks for a Soul Mate

2011-11-05T17:46:00.002-04:00

I took one of those quizzes recently, you know, which greek goddess are you, or some such, but anyway as it turned out, this quiz read me as Artemis, which I found truly strange, at least until I read why...

The Goddess of the Hunt, Animals, and the Young

Artemis is driven to succeed, thriving in adventurous or unique situations. She sets her goals, and her ambition, determination, and perseverance lets her achieve them. Her competition sometimes intimidates others, but she is also widely admired. She is healthy, independent, believes in feminism, and needs little help to go after what she wants. On the other hand, she can be rebellious and isolate herself from relationships and emotions.

I haven't given a lot of thought to greek gods or goddesses over the course of my life, but in the back of my mind I always identified myself more with Aphrodite. After all, she is thought to be passionate, creative, and an outgoing, friendly person. She always enjoys the moment, lives her life to fullest, and especially enjoys falling in love. She has a great level of energy and other people are attracted to her vibrance and confidence. She brings out the emotion and intenisty in others. She likes variety in her relationships and activities... I think these things describe me, however, she also tends to be flaky and pays little attention to future consequences of her actions which is not me, not usually, or perhaps it would be true to say, not me anymore.

I think had I met a man at 20 or so who would have treasured me for exactly who I was, had protected me and cared for me, I was a bit of a hot house flower back then, I think I would have gone on to be spoiled, flaky and probably paying little attention to the future consequences of my actions. This was not the case though, and through my life experiences, through a 20 year marriage to a man with undiagnosed aspberger's syndrome, who was not dependable in anything and who could quite frankly be exceptionally cruel without even realizing it, I had to adapt. I had to learn how to navigate the waters of being the kind of woman who was very submissive in nature and only wanted to please her husband, but who was in the position of having to be in charge and be the one cleaning up all the messes and running from crisis to crisis... somehow through all that, I became much more like Artemis, driven to succeed, independent as the day is long, or in layman's terms... terrified to ever depend on anyone other than myself again! It's true as well that I have spent years isolating myself from relationships and my emotions and I can be very rebellious at times. Although to be fair, I think that's because I'm secretly pissed off at having to be the one in charge all the time while I know my strengths lay elsewhere.

I'd so much rather be creating a home and art and writing my stories. I'd so much rather be learning and reading and touching the world in some deep meaningful way. I'd so much rather be satisfying my man until he can't move. I'd so much rather be pleasing him until he is sated to his very soul... alas this has not been my history. I'm seriously the kind of woman who could dote on a man. To be fair, not 24/7 because I do have dreams and ambitions of my own, but someday to find a man who would just accept the gift I want to give him would be phenomenal. I guess ultimately to blend the drive, perseverance and independence of Artemis along with the passion, creativity and that ability to live life to its fullest of Aphrodite would describe all the best parts of me and I believe the whole soul mate thing, a big part of that is finding the partner that brings out the best parts of you and treasures them.

I've yet to find a man who appreciates my passions, or my drive, or my craving for pleasing him... in fact, I'm yet to find a man who appreciates me at all. I've had one man who I still say didn't even like me and the other who accepted me, which was a huge a gift, but I'm seeing now that I need more than acceptance. I need to be wanted and desired. I need to be cherished and treasured. I need to be safe, body, heart and soul.

In my dreams, I find a man who compliments all that I am and I do the same in return for him. This man not only sees me, the real me, but thinks to himself, now there's the perfect woman... not in a worldy sense, but for him, knowing that I can give him everything he's ever wanted and will do it gladly. I want to be that perfect fit with someone, I want it for myself, I want it for him. I want to have a place to put this unfulfilled need to please someone where it will be a gift and not a burden in my life anymore.

I sometimes just feel like I live in the wrong time because I struggle with the messages of feminism and of being an independent strong woman, which I am and I appreciate my freedoms to be anything I choose to be, but deep inside, I have needs I can't get met. So despite that I agree, what women have become and what they accomplish in this time is incredible, it's still an odd time to live in and feel the way I feel inside because at the end of the day, I have an innate need to please and without an appropriate place to put that, with a man who I can trust not to take advantage and in whose pleasure I can bask for a while, that need runs amok over the rest of my life and I hate having to fight with that all the time, it's very draining!

At the end of the day, after I've kicked butt all day, been wildly successful and done good in the world, all I want to do is come home and fuck my man senseless and give to him everything that I am and have him tell me how much I've pleased him? Am I supposed to deny that part of my soul simply because the idea of it sets feminism back 300 years?

I have these two sides of myself that have always been in conflict because I always have to choose one or the other. I think for me, the definition of soul mate would be the man where I don't have to choose, he loves both sides of me. It's hard to believe that's out there when I've been so spectacularly off the mark in both my serious romantic relationships, but I'm also an eternal optimist so I have to keep believing that some day, somewhere, he'll find me, or I'll find him and he'll cherish and protect me, and I'll please him like he's never been pleased before and, dare I say it? ...They lived happily ever after. ;-)

Helping a Friend

2011-11-05T17:44:00.001-04:00

I have a very good friend who has recently rediscovered his passion for writing. He's currently working on a trilogy of wonderful time travel mysteries that are fun, intriguing, well written, and unique! I helped him out with a blog site this weekend, take a look and give him a shout of encouragement!

Becoming...

2011-10-30T17:44:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited about who I am, who I'm becoming, what I'm learning and how I'm able to transfer my life lessons into action and building a stronger future for myself.

I'm excited that "hard" isn't inhibiting me any longer. I'm excited that I'm smarter than I used to be in a life sense. I'm excited that I'm more firmly rooted in my faith and that I'm living more intentionally.

I'm excited because I'm seeing the first tiny buds of my future starting to appear on the tree of my life that has been barren for such a long season.

The strength I have to be who I truly am, to stand up and be proud of who I am, to not back down when someone challenges me... it's phenomenal.

I know who I am, what I want, and how I'm going to get it... but I've known much of that all my life. What's different, is that I'm not letting anyone stop me this time. I'm not letting other people's opinion of who I am define me. I'm no longer willing to settle for less just to make the people around me comfortable.

I am an amazing woman with gifts and talents I've just barely begun to tap into and I won't be held back ever again! I am becoming... everything.

My Feng Shui Project

2011-10-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

I'm studying the finer points of feng shui this week. I've read quite a few books on the subject over the years because I am drawn to the idea of it. I've always appreciated the positive flow of energy in my space, but I have a hard time with things like.. if you place a red rooster on the south wall it will bring you fame in your career. Things that specific seem a bit like witchcraft to me, and personally, I'm not interested in the dark arts. However I do believe we make things happen in our lives by what we believe or perceive to be true. If you truly believe that putting that rooster there is going to open up some energy in your life that had been closed, and you are expecting change, you are going to start behaving differently. Perhaps you're going to put yourself out there to the public in ways you would not have done before the rooster found his new home. Perhaps you are going to be more intentionally focus on achieving this success you already believe a given because you placed that rooster. That kind of mental energy is extremely powerful, so I do believe that people have seen amazing things happen in their lives because they applied the techniques of feng shui to their home or work space, but I think for me personally, this becomes and issue of which came first?

Not that it matters. I believe that anything you find to connect with, that helps push you towards the life you should be living is a good thing. I know many people can't relate to my faith and beliefs, doesn't make them any less real to me. So I mean no disrespect in my skepticism about the rooster. I think many of us are simply trying to figure out our place in this world, how we got here, is there anything after this... you know all the big picture questions and I try to live my life in an open state. I believe all truth is God's truth and I'm open to hear it wherever that is... I'm not always good at it, but I try because it's important to me.

As I'm winding down on this year and getting closer and closer to the big Florida move, I'm beginning to feel a little stuck though and as I've used feng shui in the past to great success, I reached for it this time because I feel like my personal space is a detriment to my success right now. If any of you are privy to my living arrangements, I'm sure you can see why I would feel this way.

So as I am about to feng shui my personal space this weekend, I'm going all out to employ some of the more "out there" parts of feng shui. I believe in a higher power. I believe this life is about more than who gets the most toys, bigger house, or hottest partner. I believe I have a purpose and a destiny and I work hard to make all my dreams come true, but I also believe there are forces unseen who mess with us and if putting a red rooster on the south wall can help me, I'm willing to give it a shot! Stay tuned... I'll let you know what happens! ;-)

Sexy Photo of the Day...

2011-10-25T19:55:00.002-04:00

On The Road to Florida #13

2011-10-22T17:25:00.000-04:00

On the Road to Florida #13

I have been so busy with work the last two weeks I've barely had a chance to breathe. I'm equally frustrated and excited though that the work has been more life oriented than book oriented. Something is happening in my life, something that feels almost magical for lack of a better way of putting it. Its as if the pieces of my life are being revealed as they slip into place. My brain is expanding, my strength is growing solid, and I'm becoming bolder. I have a passion and a calling on my life and I have a lot of people in my life who don't seem to understand this. They want me to be "normal" they want me to follow the rules of logic... hell, I used to want that myself! I've spent a good bit of my life trying to make sense, follow the common sense, plan think do... be normal, but I'm realizing that Passion doesn't live normal. Passion isn't logical. Passion isn't tame. Passion doesn't have a back-up plan. I'm going after all the things I want in life and I'm also going to surround myself only with people who can be supportive of me in this journey.

I've been living a walking the fence existence much of this year between the life I'm headed for and the life that makes the people around me most comfortable...that stopsnow.

I have seen how blessed I am and how disrespectful to that blessing it is to water it down so I don't get argued with. I have no real idea why everything has turned completely and why I'm headed into such a beautiful place in life, but I would suspect it has a lot to do with my attitude, the relanguaging and just plain old fashioned hard work I've been doing, but also, for me, I believe it also has to do with my obedience and submission to my god. For without god, I have no real passion in life. Without god how can I have a calling? A greater purpose to my life?

We all filter our experiences through our history, I grew up in a baptist environment, so my language comes from the church and though I don't believe in, agree with, or even rarely darken the door of a church anymore, my faith in a higher power is stronger than ever. I don't worry so much about knowing exactly what that higher power is, I just feel it and follow it... and it seems to be working for me because I am seriously poised to have everything I ever dreamed and that's exciting!

I want to take a moment to thank a couple of people in my life who stood out this past week...

Jamie, because you said something to me the other day that gave me the courage to grab the calling I have on my life and claim it. I appreciate that more than you could know!
Rene, because the other night on the phone you asked me a question and I couldn't answer it. Me being me, I've obsessed over why I couldn't answer. I had the answer in my head, but I wouldn't let it come out. I've since realized that my reality is that I think differently than the normal person and my history is that when I share what I think, what I feel, what I want... I get smacked pretty hard for it. So I don't say if I can get away with not saying. I don't want to live that way anymore, so saying what I feel, what I think, what I believe, truthfully and openly has become a new priority in my life. No more hiding. Never again.
Dale because as much as you've hurt me, you were the first person I ever knew who accepted me for exactly who I am. It doesn't matter what I think or do or want, you have believed in me and made me feel like it was perfectly all right to go after it. I would not be who I am right now without the four years we have spent together. Good and bad, I'm grateful.
Kevin you support me every single day. Even in the dark times you've been going through, I've never felt abandoned. I knew you were always there with your love and acceptance despite what you were going through. I love you more than anything, bubby. ;-)
Alec, though your life experience is short, your soul is wise beyond your years. Though you don't always have answers, your willingness to listen to me ramble out problems or concepts is a gift I can never repay... and I appreciate your company on those mile long walks as well!

The landscape of my life is changing. I am accepting the inevitable. I am taking my hard earned wisdom and I am starting to share in a new and exciting way that I hope will inspire, teach and encourage. I'm taking my recent experiences on the dating forefront and developing a new series of erotic romance novels that is a little darker with bdsm, something I'm becoming more and more drawn to every damn day and it's time to simply admit that. And of course, I am still moving to Florida in 2012!

A friend asked me last night what if I fail?

I got frustrated because I knew I wasn't expressing myself properly, but after sleeping on it, this is what I've decided about my life, passion and possible failure...

My plan is to write and to reach out to women. To inspire, teach and encourage... I'm already doing these things as I know by the mail you send me, so there is no "fail." I'm already published 20 times over, so there is no "fail." The early feedback I've gotten on the new series is that its the best thing I've ever written so I'm confident there is no "fail." What's going on with me now is simply a mental shift where I'm accepting the truths in my life, there is no "fail" in that either.

I realize that the typical person defines success and failure financially, but I don't. I define success by growth, by learning. By the emails I get from women who tell me they've made changes in their lives based on reading my blogs and watching my struggles and successes. I already get those so I've already succeeded. If I get to Florida and can't support myself solely on my writing, because yes I do realize it will be more expensive to live there then here, then I get a job waiting tables. Financial success isn't part of the plan, it will hopefully be a by-product of it, but the intention is to inspire, teach and encourage women into growing strong and living their dreams... I can't fail at that, I'm already doing it.

Have a wonderfully beautiful amazing weekend! Get out and enjoy the fall weather and if you are so lucky, the fall colors. Continue to bear with me through these changes because something amazing is about to happen, and I wouldn't want you to miss it! Until next time ! Samantha

From Elle Dakros

2011-10-17T17:24:00.000-04:00

The Dark Rose Coterie is a secret society of dominant men formed by 17th century French nobility to protect the women involved with them in l'amour courtois.

During the French revolution the DRC spread throughout Europe as the noble families of France scattered. The men remained loyal to their oath and initiated men from England, Germany, Italy and Spain to continue the cause. In ensuing years, persecution for both their sexual and religious beliefs only strengthened and defined them. Their purpose became rooted as they came to an acceptance that their sexual desires were god given and could only be truly satisfied in certain types of exchanges with women. They furthermore decreed that women brave enough to shun the dictates of society and consent to such relationships must be protected from scandal and reproach at all cost.

Over the centuries the coterie has fought for the rights of women world wide and laid a long history of being the voice for those not allowed to speak for themselves. However, a great shift occurred during the sexual revolution of the nineteen sixties. As women fought for their sexual freedom, many members saw an end to the need for the DRC and for a time, it looked as if the society would die out. A small band of men, seeing the darker side of the sexual revolution and a new risk to women, took the cause in a different direction. As the idea of free love swept a nation and women fought for equality, the men of the DRC began to assert that sex, no matter how physically pleasurable, was incomplete without a spiritual connection. For the first time since their origin, they added to the original tenets and the Dark Rose Coterie moved into a new generation infused with a new purpose and rekindled passion.

In the current day they remain a spiritually bonded, international guild whose primary directives are to remain true to god, the calling of chivalry, and to protect the coterie and its members even to death. The coterie believes they answer to a higher power and operate outside the bounds of law when necessary. Guards are employed from within to ensure the secrecy of the coterie and the loyalty of its members.

To become a member, one must be nominated from within the existing body, though memberships offers are rare. Once an invitation is accepted, the new member is initiated through a ceremony where the agreement to be bound by the tenets and a general code of ethics is finalized with ritualistic branding and the pledges of fealty unto death is recorded by taking the oath.

Those who have heard the whisperings of the legend believe the DRC to be a myth, others a cult of vigilantes, but in truth they come together with a single desire to stand true to themselves and the god who calls them and each operates with the hope of finding the one woman who will bring completion to his soul.

The Tenets ~

To protect women from abusive practices, such as rape and torture.
To police the consensual nature of BDSM relationships worldwide.
To fight for sexual freedom and equality globally.
To defend the guild itself.

Added in 1968 ~

Consensual seeking of pleasure with unlimited numbers of willing and experienced women in search of the same, is permissible without commitment. However, initiating a woman into BDSM without a formal commitment of protection is considered unchivalrous and will result in excommunication.
Despite the new acceptance of sex without commitment and divorce within society, we believe the claiming, or ownership, of a woman is sacred.
We believe in life bonding and as such only one offer of claiming can be made to a woman in our lifetime. If refused, we may never seek another.

The Oath ~

I pledge my life to God and the protection of women and my brothers. I agree that these tenets are law and I accept them as my binds as I go forward in this life. I will always be true to my needs and I will always respect the women I find to meet those needs. Should I ever be gifted with the mate of my soul, I pledge to claim and protect her until death.

My lips will neither disparage nor endanger the DRC. Sexual and religious freedoms are fires in my soul and I devote my life to furthering the cause and anywhere my feet find themselves I will speak for those who cannot, I will fight for those who have fallen, I will protect those who are in need. Whatever is asked by my brothers, irregardless of the risk to either my freedom or my life, I will do. These things I speak with knowledge, understanding, and acceptance, from now until the day of my death. Always be true. Always be a chivalrous. Always be ready to kill everyone in the room.

The Erotic Romances of Elle Dakros... coming soon!

Embracing My Outer Self

2011-10-07T17:23:00.000-04:00

I grew up in and around the entertainment industry so to say I've been appearance conscious all my life is an understatement... for all the good it did. An effect of this awareness was to be familiar with all the beauty treatments and diets that have come and gone for thirty years and then some. The current trend of plastic and bone thin people disturbs me more than anything else I've ever seen. What happened to pure natural beauty? Why don't we appreciate that anymore? It makes me very sad to see so many people and som many youngpeople running to their plastic surgeon's office to fix a perfectly lovely face and body.

Same stands true for diets. The things we do to our bodies to achieve some ideal of what is beautiful is so disgraceful. We dishonor ourselves when we mutilate and starve our physical bodies. While I personally believe your physical body is merely the outermost shell of who you are, and the thing that will indeed someday die away, I do think it should be appreciated and cared for in the manner of which it was given you. That is however a rather new thing for me as I've felt truly uncomfortable most of my life with my looks and my natural weight.

I've never been a yo-yo dieter, something inside me knew that was a bad choice and after my second child was born, I made a conscious decision to forget about weight unless, or until, I could give it the focus and attention it required to take it off and keep it off. In other words, until I had the bandwidth to deal with an entire life change. That time is now for me.

I had one other successful attempt at weight loss about five years ago and in that time I learned how to eat, even unhealthily, and still lose weight. This time around however, its about more than simply a number on a scale, I'm looking for something very specific from my body. I want it to look a certain way and feel a certain way and I have come to realize that the only way to get what I want from my body, is to give it what it needs, at least 90% of the time.

I'm a smart woman and the needs of my body are simple, but as I was coming up with this list, I took it a step further than simply weight loss, lets just call this my vanity list. Earlier today on my life blog I posted an update to the big Florida move and there are 24 weeks until my first trip down there to apartment hunt. After that I have this gut feeling that things are going to move rather quickly so I'll be moving into a different phase of life than I'm in now so this feels like my opportunity to fine tune the things I've over looked the last few decades....and lets face it, I have a definite vane streak. When you grow up a pretty blonde girl with blue eyes in southern California, the attention you get for your looks does become a part of who you are.

The strange thing for me is that, along with things like my ability to write, sing, dance, garden and cook that I feel somehow guilty over because those around me don't have those abilities, I've also felt guilty for being what the typical American culture during the years of my growing up called pretty. As I'm trying to move into my own spotlight in the next act of my life, becoming comfortable with my appearance is a must.

Here's where I go freaky Samantha on you... I am completely comfortable with my current appearance, because I've dulled it down so it doesn't stand out. I'm very overweight, I dress down oftentimes to match my surroundings. I often let my hair just grow long and straight and I rarely wear make-up. What I'm not as comfortable with, is the idea of being thin again, dressing the way I prefer which is sexy and flirty and extremely feminine. Having my hair and nails done and letting myself wear lipstick again. I've sold myself short for a whole lot of years out of some level of discomfort with being "pretty" and I'm not going to do it any longer.

Lets face it, the idea of beauty changes within our culture all the time.

Those are the women I grew up with as the ideal of beauty.

Today there's been a lovely shift and there is a wider range of beauty being appreciated...

And I guess with age, as they say, comes wisdom and I'm merely at a place in my life where I want to embrace my beauty, inside and out and make the most of it. A definitely plus in our time is how many amazingly gorgeous older women there are in the media who still make quite an impression and give women like myself something to aspire to.

The fact is, beauty comes in as many packages as there are women.

We are a culture obsessed with beauty and the fact is there will always be someone younger and hotter around the next bend. At the end of the day, physical beauty is never going to bring you any real happiness, but as a woman who's run from her physical appearance all her life, its time to stop and embrace who I am on the outside. My life is on a path to find the answer to who I really am? What can I really be? How bright can I truly shine? If I don't embrace it all, I'll never truly know.

Body image, and physical appearance is such a stumbling block for us as women especially, though I know many men who struggle with it as well, but no one should dictate to you what beauty is but you. I think if you could take one thing away from this ramble of mine, is that its most important to be beautiful on the outside, but if you have a handle on that part, take a self check, how do youhonestly feel about your outside? You don't have to share it with anyone, but if the answer is anything less than "stellar" maybe its something to think about. ;-)